Log Dos

     I was late again, even with the change in time. I found my nice, comfy seat at the foyer, plumped down onto it's cushion, and listened.The woman speaker spoke of patriarchal blessings. And as she went through her talk, my mind wondered what had become of my patriarchal blessing. I had not read it for quite some time. I think it had at least been a year, if not longer.
     She said that it would help you during your darker times in your life. This touched my senses. I had questions, and it was a certainly a darker time in my life, post divorce and all, when again I questioned myself and my abilities. I had the thought that I was a child in a man's body, or better yet, I comtemplated that the age of my spirit was being surpassed by my physical age of 34. Which made sense to me as I recalled when I was younger always feeling older than I really was. See, it was my spirit body that was really older. Now, I'm in reverse and appear older than my spirit body.
     My reflecion sometimes frightens me. I am not the father that I hoped to be, yet my partriachal blessing tells me that I will have children. I have not written and made my living from writing like I wanted to, and yet my patriarchal blessing says that I will receive the basics of life from following after the profession that is in my  heart. I was supposed to be part of higher callings in the church and a helper in bringing people back to the church, but that really hasn't manifested itself, at least not like I had expected. I was supposed to be blessed to heal people with the powers of the priesthood, but I was never once asked by Pea to give her a blessing of healing or comfort. What happened? What did I do wrong? Had I become unworthy and had all my predicated blessings disavowed? I thought about the temple, and why it hasn't been a big effort on my part to get back there, to have a temple recommend and worship inside the temple walls again.
     Who I was and who I am today has certainly become festered. I don't have my old child love of the gospel and I fight constantly with my desires to be set in my own ways. I mean today I was supposed to clean the apartment and sort of organize things, but instead I just sat on my ass and watched two movies on TV. 
     I am reminded of that scripture in 2nd Nephi: Oh wretched man I am! So easily beset by temptation. But I want to do better. I want to get back to the child within me, when I was excited about living the gospel. 
     Okay, that's enough regret. This is supposed to be a postive accounting of what happened today. During Elder's Quorum we discussed a talk from Elder Ballard about being anxiously engaged in a good cause. In the discussion between quorum members, I mentioned that it was necessary to distinguish work we did as either quantitative or qualitative, and of course aspire towards giving work/sevice that is more qualitative and less quantitative.
     Though this is easier said than done. What good did I do today? I went to church and participated in the lessons. I went to my storage to look for my partriarchal blessing, but I couldn't find it. I thought to vist Tina and chat with her. It had been awhile, and it was rumored that they would be moving soon. Yet, I didn't visit her. I had my reasons, but I wish it didn't have to be so.

Oh that regret's coming back. I should of done better.

I should of done better,
I should of been better,
Said what I meant to say
And listen to the speaker,
And not merely hear it.

I should of listened to the Spirit,
Not fear it,
More than man.
I should of believed that I can,
And not doubt that I could.

But if I could, I would
Take a second chance
To good advance
And actually go and do
What I know to be true.

I am a child of God
I am a writer
I am creative
I am a friend
And I am worthy.

Only need I believe
And I will do better
And be better;
I will say what is meant to be said
And speak to those who will listen.